I seem to have a pension for writing horrible, sex stories. This isn't all sex, really. I've been indulging in more personal narratives though, and it really seems as though kids can't be expressive without saying "dick" or "fucking" anymore, you know? Someone go invent a new genre of teen angst, please.
I don't expect you to like me. Hell, I don't even like me. Sometimes I'm not the strong person I need to be; other times I am the strong person I mustn't be. I can't handle it. Myself. And all the awful dirty things my mind wants me to think. You, I know this already, couldn't handle me + control me + pet me even if you tried. I am a scorned remainder of the minority, and I am always understood in all the wrong ways. No, you probably don't always get me, but no hard feelings, okay? No one can have me.
I can cradle my pain in the palm of my hand and nurse it off my veins. There are so many things my body aches for, can you blame me? I want. I want. I want.
I need to know some of the things you won't tell me.
Why do I still hate my body, I've tried everything, starving it. burning it. straining it. pleasing it. carving it. tasting it. using it. misusing it. I hated it for so long, so I looked for someone to care-take me; first was a boy. He made me promise to always belong to him => in exchange, he would scream love at me. Daily nights were spent with him on dirty sheets that stung my nostrils with traces of loneliness. Wet with our mutual sweat, they would wrap up against us and enclose us. Scattered used condoms would cling to my every move refusing to relinquish their host. Mostly, though, I would lie still and wait in eternal silence whilst every pore on my disintegrating body would leak in masked satisfaction. Love, love, do you love me too? I wouldn't have an answer for the hungry little boy on top of me. Screaming, he would become a man, and I his girl. Say it again. I can't hear you. Surrender needs only to occur once in battle, but in his war-zone bed, it became a constant/continual ritual.
Love hurt my body. The thrusting, the slamming of his softening parts against my self-consciously shaven body never felt loving. I gave him up, but this was long after the pain. Don't underestimate me: it's not the pain that hurts, it's the numbing hatred one develops from abuse. I mean, a little pain never hurt anyone.
Angry and spiteful, I found another sufferer to love: this time a woman. But she was wrong too; her intensity and her fire were scary to me. Unlike the boy, she was fully grown and knew things. She could touch me in ways the boy previous would have scorned + overlooked. She was bold and angry, angry for me; she and I hoped her rage could carry me along with her, but it couldn't. She took care of me, and in return I would need her; I ached without my sister-lover to take me over. I desired her empowering domination, if I had only known how to feel so strongly.
The passion + desire she offered at my feet were lost on the vast seas of white on my body and in my eyes. Then she brought me drugs, so I could see better, if feeling would never be mine. Now the vacant white was green + red + black + blue. She brought me these things so we could sit on the floor in our socks and naked bodies + explore the galaxy. She would laugh + laugh + tell me secrets to life no one should know; all this beautiful knowledge from speed and nicotine. I would play with her hair, which the acid allowed me to see in its true, celestial light. She was the ocean and the stars. All the bleach + pinks + greens from failed dyes would make up the layers to her sea. I could dive into her and explore there too. Her body was the universe, and each curve and cut was a mountain or a shooting star or traces of a dying star. Her cum created planets and life. She was the answer to everything. She was my meaning of life. Then she died. The colors whirred around her one day, and she was lost in them, she disappeared into the promised land with all those horrible singers she loved so much. Janis would be there, + Jimi.
sooo totally not done. maybe i'll finish; either that or simply delete. as usual, this one sucks.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
mommy can go out and kill tonight (wasted title)
I know, I know. You don't have to tell me,
I feel like the negligent alcoholic mother who keeps her kids in the basement and keeps promising to let them out when she's sober, but then takes some acid and thinks it's cinco de mayo for like, three weeks.
so i'm sorry, I'm working on two essays at this second. I'll stop drinking and get my kids out of the basement.
I feel like the negligent alcoholic mother who keeps her kids in the basement and keeps promising to let them out when she's sober, but then takes some acid and thinks it's cinco de mayo for like, three weeks.
so i'm sorry, I'm working on two essays at this second. I'll stop drinking and get my kids out of the basement.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Legalization Wishlist
My birthday's in.. 9 days now? I haven't given the entire bullshit event much thought, but I accidently stumbled into a whole website of books I decided I need. And a DVD too, isn't that fun?
Sooo, if you know me, this is what you are getting me, or giving me the money for:
Not For Sale (Whisnant & Stark)
Prostitution, Trafficking, and Traumatic Stress (Farley, Melissa)
Rated X: A Journey Through Porn (the documentary)
gimmie? =) because i obviously give porn like... a lot of thought. fuck.
Sooo, if you know me, this is what you are getting me, or giving me the money for:
Not For Sale (Whisnant & Stark)
Prostitution, Trafficking, and Traumatic Stress (Farley, Melissa)
Rated X: A Journey Through Porn (the documentary)
gimmie? =) because i obviously give porn like... a lot of thought. fuck.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
On Pornography: the Moralists vs The Feminists
Who has the authority to tell an individual what has been deemed 'appropriate' for his viewing? Is there a set group that should or should not monitor what is obscene? The debate of censorship, of free-speech, and of pornography has raged on with little progress to show for either end. Leading the attack against porn, specifically, has emerged two unusual bedfellows. These two forces have fought the same enemy, with their own particular arsenals of weaponry, and stemming from completely unique vendettas. But both groups have been mixed together in the flurry of their anti-pornograhic arguments; so is this necessarily a bad thing? Is there actually a mixed message in their initial sole message of banning pornography? In challenging the same nemesis, are these two parties even fighting on the same grounds, for the same goal?
Meet Reverend Jerry Falwell; he probably hates you, if you are any of the following: homosexual, alcoholic, divorcing, non-christian, promiscuous, Mohammad, a public school, a purple-and-triangle wearing child's t.v. star (think TeleTubies), bi-curious, or a feminist. A man quoted as saying "If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being" and "AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals", Falwell holds himself as an example of the Christian Right in its prime. On his agenda, taking down the pornographic empire ranks pretty high. The battle against obscenity and porn hit a personal chord with the reverend in 1982.
As editor of the nationally distributed magazine Hustler , Larry Flynt has never shied away from controversy. Starting his career off as the manager of multiple strip clubs, Flynt then moved on to bigger and better accomplishments with the first edition of his explicit magazine in 1974. Featured in every issue amongst shots of female genitalia and torture scenes, were his infamous satirical cartoons, which alternately portrayed gang bang rapes, abortions gone wrong, racism, incest, and sexual abuse: both towards adult women and minors alike, in a comical light. Apparently Flynt took things too far in one issue of his magazine, publishing a satyrical ad for an alcoholic beverage with Falwell's supposed stamp of approval. The advertisment that later took Flynt to court for 45 million dollars featured the reverend reminiscing over his first time while under the influence.
With his mother.
In an outhouse.
"Mom looked better than a Baptist whore with a $100 donation," boasted the caption under his smiling face. In the end, Flynt won out on the grounds that as an American, the First Amendment covered his rights to free speech.
Since then, Falwell and the Christian fundamentalists have continued to make no secret of their attitudes toward pornography. So what exactly does the Christian Right have against the matter? The moralists have admitted their opposition to any form of pre-or-extramarital sex; what this means is, sex is only for a husband and wife (take note this would mean a man and woman couple) to enjoy with one another. Pornography is wrong then, in the sense that watching it mean sinning against your current or would-be spouse. Pornography, the depiction of sex acts between individuals that aren't married, promotes lust, which is immoral. What is so wrong with porn, then, is that "unnecessary" arousal is wrong.
What strikes me as so nonproductive about this party is their equal disposition towards sexual education in schools. Over one-third of the schools in our country teach abstinence-only; but what does this really teach children? Telling students watching a porno can blind them, or that condoms cause cancer isn't a healthy approach to this. Maybe, instead of closing their eyes to the rise of unwanted pregnancy, and the fact "teens are having often unsatisfying and unsafe sex" (Feminism is For Everybody, Bell Hooks) the fundamentalists should focus more on a proper education for their children. Pretending pornography and sex don't exist while clutching a cross and screaming, "Stay away from my children!" isn't working out too well. Teaching students about STDs, and the existence of pornography, child prostitution, and rape could be an eye-opening and persuasive argument in favor of fidelity. Ignoring these real life situations, however, is not just counterproductive, but close-minded and ignorant. And the masses are starting to see this. "Proponents of pornography, not surprisingly, find it easy to defang these brands of opposition through mockery and exaggeration" (Pornified, Pamela Paul).
What Christian fundamentalists like Jerry Falwell need to consider is how the country is changing. In their attacks against pornography, little has actually been accomplished. "More and more legislators and judges have approached obscenity as a First Amendment freedom-of-expression issue rather than a moral issue to be resolved by society" (Pornography on Trial, Thomas C. Mackey).
Now on the other side of the pornography equation, we've got the anti-porn feminists. How do these two groups differ? Well, first of all, there are two views on pornography (for now, we're putting aside the pro-sex feminist p.o.v., that's for a completely different essay altogether) that a feminist can hold. Liberal feminists, although oftentimes overlooked in the Porn Wars, are seen as the most realistic. The torn, middle-ground sister to its more radical counterparts (pro-sex and anti-porn feminism), liberal feminists have backed away from the spotlight; personally uncomfortable with porn, these feminists "tend to be intimidated into silence" (Wendy McElroy). But perhaps a more correct term for this group could simply be "anti-censorship" feminists. "Liberal feminist share the general liberal bias toward free speech, but they are in flux on pornography" pro-porn feminist Wendy McElroy explains in her 'A Feminist Overview of Pornography' essay. She continues, "Many liberal feminists commonly reason as follows: 'as a woman I am appalled by Playboy... but as a writer I understand the need for free expression.'" Good point. This does not necessarily mean these women will go out to a strip club and bask in the lap dances; at the same time, they don't deny that censorship could very easily backfire. The very "victims" of pornography that we are trying to save would, in the end, find an equally appalling fate by means of repression.
I will address some of the various outcomes of censorship on feminism a little later on.
The more radical side to the feminist spectrum opposing pornography, the anti-porn feminists, adopted the outspoken Andrea Dworkin as their poster girl early on. As summarized by McElroy, the body of the anti-porn argument lies in that pornography degrades women, the viewing of such materials can lead to violence against women, the material itself is violent against woman as they are "phsyically coerced... and {those} involved in the production of pornography are so psychologically damaged by patriarchy that they are incapable of giving... 'real' consent." Whether or not all these arguments can withstand an examination or not isn't the focus of this particular issue. More on that will be mentioned in an upcoming essay.
One could say the primary reasoning behind the anti-porn movement could be summed up in one simple sentence: "Porn is the theory, rape is the practice." One of the more famous anti-porn feminists, Gloria Steinem, has said of pornography, "It is sex being used to reinforce some inequality or to create one, or to tell us that pain and humiliation are really the same as please." However, feminists aren't exactly opposed to sex in its entirety. Herein lies one of the major differences between the christian moralists and the feminists; where fundamentalists disapprove of sex before marriage, or experimentation even in the marital bed (as all these are violations of God's law), feminists only disapprove of sex in the context that is damaging to women. There is no mention of sexual arousal being wrong. Pornography scholar Diana Russell has said, "This isn't about being against arousal, it's arousal to degrading material that is so destructive." This in turn leads us to the loophole for the feminist libido: erotica.
Yes, erotica is allowed to turn a feminist on. And no, erotica is not the same thing as porn. Gloria Steinem comes to the defense of viewing this material. As the root word of erotica is eros, the passionate love or yearning for another person, Steinem describes the contents to be 'a mutually pleasurable, sexual expression between people who have enough power to be there by positive choice." The terms 'pornography' and 'erotica' are often mixed together, but the difference in their underlying messages means everything. Feminism was meant to embrace women's endeavors, and set them on a level playing field with men in all things economic, political, and social. From that foundation, one can easily say feminism is all for sexual freedom, which in fact has played a major role in the third-wave. None of the ladies want you to repress your sexual desires, but they don't want you to get hurt in the process either; and pleasuring someone with very little done in return is not liberating, or empowering, in any sense. Feminism sees arousal as a healthy thing, and embraces this. The fact of the matter is, for some women, the viewing of pornography isn't even all that arousing. "Playboy, with its airbrushing and fakeness, it 'deeply boring'; the women are made to look like dolls rather than people. Magazines like Maxim are vulgar. 'Women with abs of steel, gorgeous faces, and big round perfect breasts are presented with these lewd schoolboyish headlines' " (Pornified, Pamela Paul). Erotica can also be differentiated from pornos in the higher quality of production, the more developed story line, the credible characters, and bodies and attitudes that more accurately portray the way real women look.
Another alternative to porn is the experimentation with sex toys. "In contrast to the pornography industry, which is still," as Pamela Paul claims in Pornified, "largely controlled by men and primarily serves men, the sex-toy industry is dominated by women and caters to female consumers."
Alright, so once again: Jerry Falwell disagrees with viewing of porn on the philosophy that it is immoral and "wrong" and Gloria Steinem disagrees with viewing of porn, but encourages stimulation and arousal in ways less destructive to both the women being portrayed in the content and in general. Are there any other reasons why the Christian fundamentalists and anti-porn (and liberal) feminists should be given their respective space?
Yes.
What it comes down to is, feminists and Jerry Falwellinian-types are nothing alike; it is in fact damaging to the feminist's case to be grouped as such. Because Jerry Falwell, quite frankly, hates feminists. "I listen to feminists and all these radical gals... These women feminists just need a man in the house. That's all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day is it and to lead them home. And they blew it and they're mad at all men. Feminists hate men. They're sexist. They hate men; that's their problem." Well, that's one way to look at it, Reverend.
While feminism only wants the best for its girls, as a spokesman of the Christian moralists-fundamentalists, Jerry Falwell does a pretty damn good job at swaying one to believe his particular religious party hates women; or at least those who speak out, as opposed to work under their "man"s rule. And really, that's what I, as a feminist, work to accomplish. Fuck your idea of my house needing a man, sir. My boyfriend has more trouble reading the time than me (I've passed the first grade, Reverend, does this make me any less of a "woman"?).
Now I direct my attention to the feminists: never forget censorship is a dangerous thing. Wendy McElroy makes a valid point: "inevitably, censorship will be used against the least popular views, against the weakest members of society... including feminists and lesbians." This means our treasured First Amendment wouldn't save our political beliefs from banishment. And this means you wouldn't be reading these words.
Censorship, when taken too far, can lead to the demise of feminism and any little girl or grown woman who dares to say "no". In attempting to protect women, anti-porn feminists must always take care not to let their self-righteous crusade get the best of them; all the work could easily go awry and backfire. Then, after working so hard to protect other women, no one will be around to protect your feminist views, or you for that matter. And no one should have the authority to undermine an individual's attempts to better their surroundings.
© 2007 Lucia Doyle
I started working on this brat-essay around 4 this afternoon (I've been researching since that time the day before) and I published it five minutes ago, making it around 2 in the morning. So.. love it?
Meet Reverend Jerry Falwell; he probably hates you, if you are any of the following: homosexual, alcoholic, divorcing, non-christian, promiscuous, Mohammad, a public school, a purple-and-triangle wearing child's t.v. star (think TeleTubies), bi-curious, or a feminist. A man quoted as saying "If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being" and "AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals", Falwell holds himself as an example of the Christian Right in its prime. On his agenda, taking down the pornographic empire ranks pretty high. The battle against obscenity and porn hit a personal chord with the reverend in 1982.
As editor of the nationally distributed magazine Hustler , Larry Flynt has never shied away from controversy. Starting his career off as the manager of multiple strip clubs, Flynt then moved on to bigger and better accomplishments with the first edition of his explicit magazine in 1974. Featured in every issue amongst shots of female genitalia and torture scenes, were his infamous satirical cartoons, which alternately portrayed gang bang rapes, abortions gone wrong, racism, incest, and sexual abuse: both towards adult women and minors alike, in a comical light. Apparently Flynt took things too far in one issue of his magazine, publishing a satyrical ad for an alcoholic beverage with Falwell's supposed stamp of approval. The advertisment that later took Flynt to court for 45 million dollars featured the reverend reminiscing over his first time while under the influence.
With his mother.
In an outhouse.
"Mom looked better than a Baptist whore with a $100 donation," boasted the caption under his smiling face. In the end, Flynt won out on the grounds that as an American, the First Amendment covered his rights to free speech.
Since then, Falwell and the Christian fundamentalists have continued to make no secret of their attitudes toward pornography. So what exactly does the Christian Right have against the matter? The moralists have admitted their opposition to any form of pre-or-extramarital sex; what this means is, sex is only for a husband and wife (take note this would mean a man and woman couple) to enjoy with one another. Pornography is wrong then, in the sense that watching it mean sinning against your current or would-be spouse. Pornography, the depiction of sex acts between individuals that aren't married, promotes lust, which is immoral. What is so wrong with porn, then, is that "unnecessary" arousal is wrong.
What strikes me as so nonproductive about this party is their equal disposition towards sexual education in schools. Over one-third of the schools in our country teach abstinence-only; but what does this really teach children? Telling students watching a porno can blind them, or that condoms cause cancer isn't a healthy approach to this. Maybe, instead of closing their eyes to the rise of unwanted pregnancy, and the fact "teens are having often unsatisfying and unsafe sex" (Feminism is For Everybody, Bell Hooks) the fundamentalists should focus more on a proper education for their children. Pretending pornography and sex don't exist while clutching a cross and screaming, "Stay away from my children!" isn't working out too well. Teaching students about STDs, and the existence of pornography, child prostitution, and rape could be an eye-opening and persuasive argument in favor of fidelity. Ignoring these real life situations, however, is not just counterproductive, but close-minded and ignorant. And the masses are starting to see this. "Proponents of pornography, not surprisingly, find it easy to defang these brands of opposition through mockery and exaggeration" (Pornified, Pamela Paul).
What Christian fundamentalists like Jerry Falwell need to consider is how the country is changing. In their attacks against pornography, little has actually been accomplished. "More and more legislators and judges have approached obscenity as a First Amendment freedom-of-expression issue rather than a moral issue to be resolved by society" (Pornography on Trial, Thomas C. Mackey).
Now on the other side of the pornography equation, we've got the anti-porn feminists. How do these two groups differ? Well, first of all, there are two views on pornography (for now, we're putting aside the pro-sex feminist p.o.v., that's for a completely different essay altogether) that a feminist can hold. Liberal feminists, although oftentimes overlooked in the Porn Wars, are seen as the most realistic. The torn, middle-ground sister to its more radical counterparts (pro-sex and anti-porn feminism), liberal feminists have backed away from the spotlight; personally uncomfortable with porn, these feminists "tend to be intimidated into silence" (Wendy McElroy). But perhaps a more correct term for this group could simply be "anti-censorship" feminists. "Liberal feminist share the general liberal bias toward free speech, but they are in flux on pornography" pro-porn feminist Wendy McElroy explains in her 'A Feminist Overview of Pornography' essay. She continues, "Many liberal feminists commonly reason as follows: 'as a woman I am appalled by Playboy... but as a writer I understand the need for free expression.'" Good point. This does not necessarily mean these women will go out to a strip club and bask in the lap dances; at the same time, they don't deny that censorship could very easily backfire. The very "victims" of pornography that we are trying to save would, in the end, find an equally appalling fate by means of repression.
I will address some of the various outcomes of censorship on feminism a little later on.
The more radical side to the feminist spectrum opposing pornography, the anti-porn feminists, adopted the outspoken Andrea Dworkin as their poster girl early on. As summarized by McElroy, the body of the anti-porn argument lies in that pornography degrades women, the viewing of such materials can lead to violence against women, the material itself is violent against woman as they are "phsyically coerced... and {those} involved in the production of pornography are so psychologically damaged by patriarchy that they are incapable of giving... 'real' consent." Whether or not all these arguments can withstand an examination or not isn't the focus of this particular issue. More on that will be mentioned in an upcoming essay.
One could say the primary reasoning behind the anti-porn movement could be summed up in one simple sentence: "Porn is the theory, rape is the practice." One of the more famous anti-porn feminists, Gloria Steinem, has said of pornography, "It is sex being used to reinforce some inequality or to create one, or to tell us that pain and humiliation are really the same as please." However, feminists aren't exactly opposed to sex in its entirety. Herein lies one of the major differences between the christian moralists and the feminists; where fundamentalists disapprove of sex before marriage, or experimentation even in the marital bed (as all these are violations of God's law), feminists only disapprove of sex in the context that is damaging to women. There is no mention of sexual arousal being wrong. Pornography scholar Diana Russell has said, "This isn't about being against arousal, it's arousal to degrading material that is so destructive." This in turn leads us to the loophole for the feminist libido: erotica.
Yes, erotica is allowed to turn a feminist on. And no, erotica is not the same thing as porn. Gloria Steinem comes to the defense of viewing this material. As the root word of erotica is eros, the passionate love or yearning for another person, Steinem describes the contents to be 'a mutually pleasurable, sexual expression between people who have enough power to be there by positive choice." The terms 'pornography' and 'erotica' are often mixed together, but the difference in their underlying messages means everything. Feminism was meant to embrace women's endeavors, and set them on a level playing field with men in all things economic, political, and social. From that foundation, one can easily say feminism is all for sexual freedom, which in fact has played a major role in the third-wave. None of the ladies want you to repress your sexual desires, but they don't want you to get hurt in the process either; and pleasuring someone with very little done in return is not liberating, or empowering, in any sense. Feminism sees arousal as a healthy thing, and embraces this. The fact of the matter is, for some women, the viewing of pornography isn't even all that arousing. "Playboy, with its airbrushing and fakeness, it 'deeply boring'; the women are made to look like dolls rather than people. Magazines like Maxim are vulgar. 'Women with abs of steel, gorgeous faces, and big round perfect breasts are presented with these lewd schoolboyish headlines' " (Pornified, Pamela Paul). Erotica can also be differentiated from pornos in the higher quality of production, the more developed story line, the credible characters, and bodies and attitudes that more accurately portray the way real women look.
Another alternative to porn is the experimentation with sex toys. "In contrast to the pornography industry, which is still," as Pamela Paul claims in Pornified, "largely controlled by men and primarily serves men, the sex-toy industry is dominated by women and caters to female consumers."
Alright, so once again: Jerry Falwell disagrees with viewing of porn on the philosophy that it is immoral and "wrong" and Gloria Steinem disagrees with viewing of porn, but encourages stimulation and arousal in ways less destructive to both the women being portrayed in the content and in general. Are there any other reasons why the Christian fundamentalists and anti-porn (and liberal) feminists should be given their respective space?
Yes.
What it comes down to is, feminists and Jerry Falwellinian-types are nothing alike; it is in fact damaging to the feminist's case to be grouped as such. Because Jerry Falwell, quite frankly, hates feminists. "I listen to feminists and all these radical gals... These women feminists just need a man in the house. That's all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day is it and to lead them home. And they blew it and they're mad at all men. Feminists hate men. They're sexist. They hate men; that's their problem." Well, that's one way to look at it, Reverend.
While feminism only wants the best for its girls, as a spokesman of the Christian moralists-fundamentalists, Jerry Falwell does a pretty damn good job at swaying one to believe his particular religious party hates women; or at least those who speak out, as opposed to work under their "man"s rule. And really, that's what I, as a feminist, work to accomplish. Fuck your idea of my house needing a man, sir. My boyfriend has more trouble reading the time than me (I've passed the first grade, Reverend, does this make me any less of a "woman"?).
Now I direct my attention to the feminists: never forget censorship is a dangerous thing. Wendy McElroy makes a valid point: "inevitably, censorship will be used against the least popular views, against the weakest members of society... including feminists and lesbians." This means our treasured First Amendment wouldn't save our political beliefs from banishment. And this means you wouldn't be reading these words.
Censorship, when taken too far, can lead to the demise of feminism and any little girl or grown woman who dares to say "no". In attempting to protect women, anti-porn feminists must always take care not to let their self-righteous crusade get the best of them; all the work could easily go awry and backfire. Then, after working so hard to protect other women, no one will be around to protect your feminist views, or you for that matter. And no one should have the authority to undermine an individual's attempts to better their surroundings.
© 2007 Lucia Doyle
I started working on this brat-essay around 4 this afternoon (I've been researching since that time the day before) and I published it five minutes ago, making it around 2 in the morning. So.. love it?
What saves this from being pornographic?
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Do-Me of the Day (****?!)
what would you kids prefer hearing about:
~write: -introduction to book
-art vs. porn essay
-pornography under attack: the christian right vs. the feminists
or more 'personal narratives'? I'm up for anything, I haven't made any essay-progress in a few days and that makes me sick.
This is a list of essays i've written/plan on getting into soon. If you want clarification for anything, yell at me. This is how I write shit out, it doesn't necessarily make sense all the time:
Intro to my feminism
The Girl Suicides -> suicidegirls
flirting could be hurting (7th grade sex harrassment talk... why were we laughing?)
My Body -> feminist views on image
With Men Like You, Of Course I'm a Lesbian -> why bi? sex. exp. through sex... feminist is a sexual orientation now?
And The Men Went Wild <- guys gone wild vs. girls gone wild
Grrrlfuckinpower vs. Girl, um, powah -> spice girls
sex ed in school
Boy, Am I the Poster Girl<- xtina aguilara + the trend
'porn up, rape down' article
anti-porn: morals vs. feminists
The Last Dish I Washed Had Your Blood on It -> rad. fem. response to the happy housewife
Put Me Down, Punk -> chivalry
A Little Pain Never Hurt Anyone
I'd really like to get an essay done over the next two days. Tonight I'm working on a sequin-tulle skirt monster, so that should be the only thing I stop for.
p.s. I mentioned writing more on personal shit. This is the likes of what I'm talking about:
Undone
"Between alcoholic childhood mishaps and the circles under my eyes tonight lies a whole story. Between his legs is such an old story. Seeing as how the nearest pay phone is too distant for comfort, I nestle back into black, soft abyss.
You cannot tell me he isn't a beautiful creature. The way his eyes can dart and his lips can curl would make any narcotic skittish. He holds himself with some unforeseen grace and strength; but after knowing him as long as I have, I can tell you he possesses neither. He's as ugly as sin, the absolutely Venus of men. He wants to hold your hands and break each finger one by one, checking lists off in his mind as he watches your face for any sign of life. All he knows is life; he's been destroying his and everyone else's since mine began.
If I believed the red flags waving after our first date, I wouldn't be puking on his tacky 70s style carpet. Staring blindly at his tacky 70s style walls. Or his tacky 70s style cock. God, he's so punk though.
It's so cool the way he wants nothing to do with me.
I can't resist his resistance at liking me. He did me last night after slipping me all those jagged-rough drinks, why won't he hurt me again now? What about the embarrassing bleeding giveaway coming from between my legs makes him blush? I told him I was a virgin, right? Maybe I didn't... But he didn't tell me how he's been drugging me all along, either.
I haven't been sober since he let me into his tight bondage pants.
Right now, I know he isn't even looking at me. I might not be as pretty as he lied to me on a pillow just a few hours ago, but what's so bad about my blood and vomit? He's a filthy rat anyway, why hold back? Come here and come again."
Obviously unfinished. Please, btw, don't start writing hate-mail to anybody yet. The giveaway is that the antagonist is the chick's dad. Don't write to my dad now, please, because this isn't about him per se. The visual-characterists of the "dad" is someone I know from an old school of mine, and I won't get further than that. The relationship itself it based on one I had with a kid my own age (no incest, i promise), but because it's my short story, I can do whatever i want with it. I feel it probably fits the story better the way I've been writing it; and no, this is in no way a subconscious Iwantmydaddy kinda thing. Don't even suggest that, thats completely sick.
Once again, I'd really love feedback. Anything would count =)
© 2007 Lucia Doyle
~write: -introduction to book
-art vs. porn essay
-pornography under attack: the christian right vs. the feminists
or more 'personal narratives'? I'm up for anything, I haven't made any essay-progress in a few days and that makes me sick.
This is a list of essays i've written/plan on getting into soon. If you want clarification for anything, yell at me. This is how I write shit out, it doesn't necessarily make sense all the time:
Intro to my feminism
The Girl Suicides -> suicidegirls
flirting could be hurting (7th grade sex harrassment talk... why were we laughing?)
My Body -> feminist views on image
With Men Like You, Of Course I'm a Lesbian -> why bi? sex. exp. through sex... feminist is a sexual orientation now?
And The Men Went Wild <- guys gone wild vs. girls gone wild
Grrrlfuckinpower vs. Girl, um, powah -> spice girls
sex ed in school
Boy, Am I the Poster Girl<- xtina aguilara + the trend
'porn up, rape down' article
anti-porn: morals vs. feminists
The Last Dish I Washed Had Your Blood on It -> rad. fem. response to the happy housewife
Put Me Down, Punk -> chivalry
A Little Pain Never Hurt Anyone
I'd really like to get an essay done over the next two days. Tonight I'm working on a sequin-tulle skirt monster, so that should be the only thing I stop for.
p.s. I mentioned writing more on personal shit. This is the likes of what I'm talking about:
Undone
"Between alcoholic childhood mishaps and the circles under my eyes tonight lies a whole story. Between his legs is such an old story. Seeing as how the nearest pay phone is too distant for comfort, I nestle back into black, soft abyss.
You cannot tell me he isn't a beautiful creature. The way his eyes can dart and his lips can curl would make any narcotic skittish. He holds himself with some unforeseen grace and strength; but after knowing him as long as I have, I can tell you he possesses neither. He's as ugly as sin, the absolutely Venus of men. He wants to hold your hands and break each finger one by one, checking lists off in his mind as he watches your face for any sign of life. All he knows is life; he's been destroying his and everyone else's since mine began.
If I believed the red flags waving after our first date, I wouldn't be puking on his tacky 70s style carpet. Staring blindly at his tacky 70s style walls. Or his tacky 70s style cock. God, he's so punk though.
It's so cool the way he wants nothing to do with me.
I can't resist his resistance at liking me. He did me last night after slipping me all those jagged-rough drinks, why won't he hurt me again now? What about the embarrassing bleeding giveaway coming from between my legs makes him blush? I told him I was a virgin, right? Maybe I didn't... But he didn't tell me how he's been drugging me all along, either.
I haven't been sober since he let me into his tight bondage pants.
Right now, I know he isn't even looking at me. I might not be as pretty as he lied to me on a pillow just a few hours ago, but what's so bad about my blood and vomit? He's a filthy rat anyway, why hold back? Come here and come again."
Obviously unfinished. Please, btw, don't start writing hate-mail to anybody yet. The giveaway is that the antagonist is the chick's dad. Don't write to my dad now, please, because this isn't about him per se. The visual-characterists of the "dad" is someone I know from an old school of mine, and I won't get further than that. The relationship itself it based on one I had with a kid my own age (no incest, i promise), but because it's my short story, I can do whatever i want with it. I feel it probably fits the story better the way I've been writing it; and no, this is in no way a subconscious Iwantmydaddy kinda thing. Don't even suggest that, thats completely sick.
Once again, I'd really love feedback. Anything would count =)
© 2007 Lucia Doyle
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Joey Ramone Turned Me Lesbian
This is a personal narrative based loosely on actual events... I'm probably not going to get into details about. Almost everyone from my life was crammed in here; so if you want to know who this chick is, back off. You don't know her, and everyone I ever knew was somehow a part of this
"She looks very much like someone who could kick yer ass. What's more, she looks like someone who should kick yer ass. And you'd better like it.
I secretly harvest a hope she'll charge + put my bf of the moment into a headlock, then force him to relinquish me. She could take me home and we'd jump on her bed to Tracy + the Plastics all night long. That would make a better story than, say, 'We met through a mutual friend of a friend.' She could hold my hand just a little too tight while I tell everyone about how, 'and then she threatened to snap his neck if we didn't date.'
She'd be really shy about all the right things, like her childhood hell and where those other four piercings are located on her beautiful body. And honestly, I could always wonder to myself whether or not she was lying about everything. Maybe she wasn't even 19, like she would have told me. Her name could've been Karen, or Sunflower, and I wouldn't ever know the difference.
She'd be my sister, my secret idol, my best + only friend. But I'd never tell her all this; we would only let the secret out when she'd hold my warm body wrapped up against hers. Or when we walk back to the train station after getting kicked out of the show for hurting too many boys in the pit. Or when my lips nervously navigated their way around her pierced mouth. Or when she'd explore me with an inexplicable vigor. I'd always wonder what her real intentions are. She'd be too sexy, fast, or dangerous for me. I would know all this. But who cared.
My family could meet her. Of course they wouldn't get along; they'd mistrust her for the blue hair and hand holding. She'd mistrust them for the cuts on my legs and the nic fits I'd get late at night. She'd mean well, obviously. Anything that happened to me would happen to her, but worse; she'd blame herself for all the wrongs everyone but she had done unto me. When she would finally turn around and take her turn at hurting me, she'd be long gone + would never know it.
Sleater-Kinney would play while we made love. Bikini Kill would play while we drove aimlessly looking for some fun on a slow autumn night. We'd fight over Beth Ditto.
No one would like us, but we'd crash their parties even if they did. I would only find out about those angry looks later. All the boys + girls had had their hearts smashed into the ground by her Doc Martins in the years previous.
When finally we did meet our untimely end, it would be okay, but it would devastate me. No more cocaine and bad acid trips. No more headaches + afternoon hangovers in unknown bathrooms. My hair would have recovered from her haircuts + I would've given up cutting and Cloves for camomile + a nice boy from Lit class.
She would be gone just like that.
She would have showed up out of nowhere, and left me with an old amp of hers and a vibrator. Hell, it would've been worth it though.
Because honestly, one more sentence about Joey Ramone will push me over the edge. "
© 2007 Lucia Doyle
"She looks very much like someone who could kick yer ass. What's more, she looks like someone who should kick yer ass. And you'd better like it.
I secretly harvest a hope she'll charge + put my bf of the moment into a headlock, then force him to relinquish me. She could take me home and we'd jump on her bed to Tracy + the Plastics all night long. That would make a better story than, say, 'We met through a mutual friend of a friend.' She could hold my hand just a little too tight while I tell everyone about how, 'and then she threatened to snap his neck if we didn't date.'
She'd be really shy about all the right things, like her childhood hell and where those other four piercings are located on her beautiful body. And honestly, I could always wonder to myself whether or not she was lying about everything. Maybe she wasn't even 19, like she would have told me. Her name could've been Karen, or Sunflower, and I wouldn't ever know the difference.
She'd be my sister, my secret idol, my best + only friend. But I'd never tell her all this; we would only let the secret out when she'd hold my warm body wrapped up against hers. Or when we walk back to the train station after getting kicked out of the show for hurting too many boys in the pit. Or when my lips nervously navigated their way around her pierced mouth. Or when she'd explore me with an inexplicable vigor. I'd always wonder what her real intentions are. She'd be too sexy, fast, or dangerous for me. I would know all this. But who cared.
My family could meet her. Of course they wouldn't get along; they'd mistrust her for the blue hair and hand holding. She'd mistrust them for the cuts on my legs and the nic fits I'd get late at night. She'd mean well, obviously. Anything that happened to me would happen to her, but worse; she'd blame herself for all the wrongs everyone but she had done unto me. When she would finally turn around and take her turn at hurting me, she'd be long gone + would never know it.
Sleater-Kinney would play while we made love. Bikini Kill would play while we drove aimlessly looking for some fun on a slow autumn night. We'd fight over Beth Ditto.
No one would like us, but we'd crash their parties even if they did. I would only find out about those angry looks later. All the boys + girls had had their hearts smashed into the ground by her Doc Martins in the years previous.
When finally we did meet our untimely end, it would be okay, but it would devastate me. No more cocaine and bad acid trips. No more headaches + afternoon hangovers in unknown bathrooms. My hair would have recovered from her haircuts + I would've given up cutting and Cloves for camomile + a nice boy from Lit class.
She would be gone just like that.
She would have showed up out of nowhere, and left me with an old amp of hers and a vibrator. Hell, it would've been worth it though.
Because honestly, one more sentence about Joey Ramone will push me over the edge. "
© 2007 Lucia Doyle
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